today's the last day of 2006. yet another chapter in my life draws to a close..





wishing all my Muslim friends out there, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha and Happy new year everyone! =)

hello people!! i'm baaaacccckkkk...

ok firstly about the Atma competition.. on the first day of the comp, i had a flu.. but thank god i did not have to fight that day.. so i pretty much rest the whole day.. pop in some panadol extra and drank lotsa water.. but the flu got progressively worse on the second and third day.. in the end, i was down with a blocked nose and fever on the day of my match.. my head was like SUPER heavy and i felt so weak.. (i think it was possibly due to the disgusting YELLOWish-chlorine-smelling water at the asrama.. YUCKS!!) so yah anyway, senang kata, i was very SICK lah.

coach asked if i wanna backout from the comp.. BACK OUT!?? i came all the way from s'pore to KL, endured the freakingly cold shower and disgusting bugs at the asrama, only to back out from the comp cos of my fever?? oh NO WAY man.. besides, i need to set an example for the juniors and i do not want to let the team down.. sakit memang sakit, tapi fight mesti FIGHT. haha.. semangat betul aku ni.. so i fought and made it tru the quarterfinals.. BUT i lost in the semis.. 3-2.. it was a close match lah.. haiz.. and i KNOW i could have performed better.. the heartache i was feeling was a million times worst that the physical injuries that i had sustained.. i was so disappointed at myself that i cried in the shower.. haiz. ok ok yea i know.. it's not the end of the world.. so now i'm gonna train hard for the upcoming PSP competition in january.. a chance to redeem myself.. haha.. =P oh yah.. since i made it tru the quaterfinals, i managed to take home the Bronze medal.. 3rd placing overall.. Alhamdulillah..







Congrats to Shafiqah for winning the Bronze medal too! To those yg tewas, it's ok.. you've given your best.. that's all that matters. Ingatlah bahawasanya, kekalahan itu adalah kemenangan yang tertunda. (chey bah! berfalsafah seh..)



NUS Team..


the 9 fighters..


me and kak wahida.. (ye ye je..)

i'll upload more pixies here if i have the time aite.. till then, adios!

i jus got off the wighing scale!!!! ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i've LOST weight! by almost 4kg! No, its NOT a GOOD thing! i was supposed to GAIN, INCREASE, NAIK, UP, get FATTER! not LOST.. oh noo.. i'll be fighting in class B (50kg-55kg) category next friday in KL.. NOW my weight's only 47kg! shit lah! how much can i possibly gain within a week??? like erm.. 2kg?? itu pun confirm tak cukup! haiz.. how how how??? ok bro Faisal if u're reading this, i need the protein powder ASAP! kalo ade weight gainer pun bawak skali esok! no wonder my pants felt so loose these few days.. haiz.. Ya Allah, ku minta pertolonganMu.. naikkan lah weight saya by 4 kg by next week.. Amin.

Da lama diri tak menjengah ke sini. Peperiksaan pun sudah tamat!! Alhamdulillah!!

Hmm.. Entah mengapa hati terpanggil untuk berbicara tentang cinta. Walau sering terdetik di hati, layakkah insan seperti diri ini yang acapkali kecundang, rebah di kaki cinta memperkatakan tentangnya.

Apa itu cinta agaknya di mata isi dunia? Bukankah cinta itu indah? Suatu nikmat dunia kurniaan ilahi. Cinta bagiku, ibaratkan udara. Keperluan yang perlu ada tanpa bayang, tanpa rupa. Ibarat tubuh yang perlukan nyawa, ibarat darah yang mengalir bersamanya, cinta itu seharusnya membawa ketenangan.. seharusnya ada kelembutan.. seharusnya mendamaikan.

Bagiku, jika ada cinta dalam dada, bisa saja ku luahkan rasa itu setiap waktu. Kekal ia meniti di bibirku selalu.. seindahnya ia menari di jiwa halusku.. kerana cinta itu indah. Aku mahu hidup dan bernyawa bersamanya. Aku mahu rasa itu kekal merah dari titik mula ia berdetak di hatiku hingga ke hujung nyawa. Biar ia kekal kejap dalam seluruh rasaku. Biar ia subur mekar di jiwaku.


~ Belailah cinta setulus rasa dalam jiwa, pasti di hujungnya ada bahagia. ~

hurray! 2 papers down! 2 more to go.. nyeahaha..

i miss silat.. i miss the sweat.. the tiredness.. the bums and bruises.. the sparring.. it's been a week since i had my last training.. and everytime i see my brothers warming up at home and getting ready for gelanggang.. i really feel URGH! *cant think of a word. so the sound will do* i cant wait for the exam to end.. *who doesnt!?* im gonna train like CRAZIEE.. now my stamina's like hmmphh.. ZERO.. haha.. gotta catch up with the rest of the silat peeps lah..

anyway, NUS silat team have been invited to the ATMA Invitationals in KL.. competition date is on 15 dec.. till 18 dec i think.. and i might be competing in class B.. yey! but i have to get permission from abg ramli first.. cos STA grading is on that week too.. haiz! im worried it'll clash.. =S

hmm.. i woke up this morning and saw a message from an old friend.. "Good Morning.. =)" that's all it said. it's really comforting to know that you still have friends who thinks about you.. and take a few seconds off their lives to actually message you a simple GOOD MORNING. it's amazing isnt it? how two little words simply brightens up your day! thanks sam! =)

alrite that's all for now.. wanna study in school today.. cannot concentrate at home lah.. there's too many distractions.. maybe i should stay in hostel next sem.. hmm.. we'll see how. cya!

Seperti biasa aku berhenti belajar buat seketika tadi, untuk menunaikan fardhu Asar.. Di raka'at yang terakhir, buat kesekian kalinya airmata ini mengalir lagi.. Aku tidak mampu untuk sujud dengan lebih panjang.. Nafas terlalu singkat, dada menjadi terlalu sesak. Airmata mengalir terus tanpa ditahan-tahan.. Hati teramat pilu..

Maafkan aku, Ya Allah.. Kau dengarkanlah rintihan sepi dari hambaMu yang serba kekurangan ini.. Aku amat menyesali dan menginsafi atas segala dosa yang telah ku perlakuan selama ini.. Berikanlah aku peluang sekali lagi untuk perteguhkan haluan.. Hanya padaMu, ku pohon panduan agar hidup ini dijauhi kesesatan.. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk menahan siksa yang terus bermukim di hati.. hilangkanlah kesayuan yang menyinggah kini.. Sesungguhnya aku insan biasa yang selalu tewas di tangan perasaan.. Aku insan lemah yang mudah tewas dengan hasutan syaitan.. Ampuni segala dosaku Ya Allah.. Amin amin ya robbal alamiin.


~ Semoga aku dipertemukan suatu detik yang mampu membuat diri ini hidup semula. Kerana hidup kini rasakan mati. Mata terbuka tapi tak berhati. ~

ok i'm currently chatting with SOMEONE.. someone pretty well-known in s'pore.. my hands are TREMBLING and COLD!! hahah.. sorry i'm not telling you WHO.

and NO it's not who you think it is.. you wont have the slightest clue. and please, for godness sake, do not ASSUME you know. ok?

anyway, i dont even know why i'm wasting my time writing this crap down. haha. ok bye.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today..

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there..

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you..

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh..

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back..

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time..

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you..

**updated version


Seringkali tibanya malam, aku bersendirian di jendela kamar melihat awan kelam berarak lembut di langit.. mengimbas kembali titik pertemuan kita dan saat-saat indah dahulu.. terundang pula seribu macam perasaan di dalam diri.. entah mengapa aku amat mengharapkan sapamu hari ini.. namun hanya kesepian yang datang menyambut rindu yang berkalang di hati.. tiada lagi suaramu memani aku di titian hari.

mungkin telah kau lupakan belaian jiwa yang mengering ini.. mungkin telah kau gadaikan potongan hati yang patah ini pada langit senja yang menjingga.. atau mungkin telah kau lemparkan sisa lara yang ternanam dalam jiwaku bersama hembusan bayu yang mengelilingi cakrawala malam..

aku cuba untuk memahami erti semua yang terlukis di langit malam.. namun aku terperangkap dalam kekeliruan.. aku pasrah.. biarlah saja masa dan takdir menentukan segalanya.. yang nyata hanya ada aku di sini sebagai saksi segala yang terjadi dalam sepi hati ini.. ditemani bintang-bintang yang sudi berkedip mesra kepadaku.. kedinginan malam telah membawaku pulang kembali ke realiti.. di mana hanya kekosongan yang bertamu.

ku renung potret kita yang dihias indah di tepi katilku.. aku hanya bisa tersenyum sayu sambil mengesat airmata yang berlinangan di pipi.. aku amat merinduimu.


~ Dalam diam diriku, masih ada rindu yang tersalut buatmu. Bagaimana pula nanti jika rindu tak tertanggung lagi? Mungkinkah terhapus semua kenangan itu? ~

my right knuckle is presently swollen and blueblack.. i cant even write properly with a pen. damn.

recently uploaded pics by the silat peeps..


while waiting for the bus..


rajin anak-anak dara cuci pinggan..


hoirul took a pic of me waiting IMPATIENTLY outside the toilet..
*da tak boleh tahan dok!!*


knp mcm ade misai kat muka tu! wall mirror nyer reflection ar..


@ Hudee's..


AAaaahhhh pilih-pilihhh...


Ah pek bus driver.. ok bye!

neway, if you're wondering why there isnt any pictures of my family so far, well, my digi cam is kinda spoilt lah.. thanks to hmmm.. nvm. so we had to use the old film camera thingy for this year's raya pic.. err.. too bad lah peeps.. can't show you my beautiful family pixies here.. *eh prasan!*

gd morning everyone!!! i'll make a quick update today..

ok first up.. yesterday's perjumpaan hari raya Seligi Tunggal Angkatan at bukit panjang cc went well.. alhamulillah.. me and Andi were the host for the day.. it was super tiring cos we had to STAND for the entire event.. which was aproximately 4 freaking hours long!! thank god i wasnt wearing heels.. *phew* everyone looked fantastically fabulous-ome that day.. we basically let our guards down and had loads of fun lah.. even guru utama Abg ramli joined in.. he sang this D'loyyd song in front of everyone sia! sporting jugak guru aku eh.. tak sangka.. hehe.. i dun have any pics yet.. will have to wait for abg shariff to upload it somewhere.. ntah biler gaknyer.

ok on saturday.. had raya outing with the NUS silat peeps.. there were 30 of us in total.. rented a bus and visited 9 houses that day.. first was halimah's, then syikin's, liyana's, abg jasni(our coach), yusri's, ahmad's, hudee's, syafiqa's and faisal's..

ermm.. im kinda lazy to continue updating.. so i'll jus post the list of "what i remember from the silat Jalan Raya 2006" from rashidah's blog. thx sis.

1. The food was greaaatttt... i'm full but i can't help it, they are so tempting and once you taste it, they taste sedaaappp and you just continue eating..

2. Whenever we got into a lift, we'll go panicking for a camera and rushed the corner person to take a bird's eye view before we reach the ground floor.

3. All the girls will go inside one room (when at a girl's house) to pray, touch up, adjust tudong bla bla bla...

4. The girls had to rush to the bus in their heels cos it was raining.

5. The guys singing on the bus.

6. The sleeping beauties on the bus.

7. There were gold, silver, cream, brown, red, pink, green and blue baju melayus with majority wearing gold (which was the theme).

8. Television.

9. The hahahehehuhu of everyone, the bus uncle, the strained positions while taking group photos (had to maintain for like more than 10 cameras!) and last but not least, the fun and enjoyment of going around visiting houses purely for the sake of visiting and not because of duit raya like what we used to think when we were kids... Haha.



@ Abg Jasni's..


IVP champs 2007.. *prasan*



@ Ahmad's..


@ Shafiqa's..


Bird's eye view in the lift..

ok bubbyeee...

The End. Adios people.

~ i'm loving you more each day. ~

Senyumlah wahai hati. Biarpun terluka, biarpun hidupmu seakan mati. Hanya itu harta tanpa harga, milikmu selamanya. Tidak mahal namun cukup bernilai bagi yang mengerti.

Aku ingin tersenyum selalu seperti musim-musim indah dahulu. Walau ramai yang tahu perit pedih yang terlindung bersamanya. Hanya hati sendiri yang mampu mengerti sejauh mana derita membalut seluruh rasa. Aku akan terus tersenyum melihat kebahagiaan semua. Mungkin satu hari nanti ada noktah jadi milikku atas segala yang berlaku.

Perjalan masih panjang. Masih juga berliku. Sabarku masih terbentang. Seperti dahulu.

Seandainya dapat dititipkan kesemua perasaan yang tertanam dalam jiwa dan yang terlintas dalam minda, pasti enak kan. tidaklah susah-susah begini untuk menekan fikiran mengingati semula segala yang terfikir tadi. segenap yang terasa selalunya sekali.

Dalam beberapa minggu ini, sebenarnya berlaku banyak peristiwa.. namun aku tidak berupaya untuk meluahkan kata-kata hati seperti selalu. bukan aku ingin menjauhkan diri.. bukan pula diri ini melupakan semua..tidak sama sekali.

Mungkin pada suatu hari aku dapat menitipkan ingatan kembali untuk menulis kisah-kisahnya.. ya, suatu hari nanti.. tapi bukan hari ini.

Number of houses that i possibly have to visit:

Father's side
- Grandma / grandpa hse
- Dad's uncles / aunties(8)
- Dad's siblings (9)
- Dad's couzins (5 or 6)
- My couzins who already own a house (4 or 5)
- Dad's friends (dunno how many)

Mom's side
- Mom's uncles / aunties (6)
- Mom's siblings (7)
- Mom's couzins (5 or 6)
- My couzins who already own a house (3)
- Mom's friends (dunno how many)

Me
- Frens from kindergarten, primary, secondary, polytechnic, nus, nus silat, seligi tunggal angkatan.. (dunno how many)
- Neighbours (7-10)

arrggh!!!!!!!! so many houses to visit.. so LITTLE time.. how i wish i can put all my freaking assignments on hold.. heez..

thank god we managed to cover 7 houses yesterday.. reached home at 1am.. shagged to the max man.. didnt even touch my essay.. oh nooo.. and exam's like only a month away.. haiz stresssssss...

skarang dah nak kluar jalan raya lagi ni.. penat memang penat dok.. tapi biler dapat duit raya, hilang sumer penat. muahahha.. k adios amigos.

Buat kalian yang sering hadir ke sini secara sedar ataupun di luar pengetahuan diri ini, SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI.
Maafkan segala silap dan salah diri ini selama kita saling mengenali. Maafkan juga diri ini sekiranya bahasa atau kata-kata di ruang ini telah menyinggung perasaan kalian. Maafkan segala setiap khilafku seperti mana aku memaafkan segala khilaf dirimu. Semoga kalian berbahagia di samping keluarga dan orang tersayang.

ok back to my assignment now. bleah.

my afternoon adrenaline rush..

i was busy doing some research for my NM2101 essay when i suddenly realized that i've not submitted one of my assignments which was due at 12:00 PM today. i immediately looked at the computer clock and guess what?! the time was 11:58 AM!! wah lau!! that means i have less than 2 MINUTES to:

- Log in to the system
- Navigate through the links and look for the submission folder for "Assignment04".
- Press the BROWSE button.
- Locate my "U057230JAssigmnent04.doc" somewhere in my hard disk.
- Press the UPLOAD button.
- and Wait for the system to successfully upload my assignment.

almost instantly, i felt a sudden upsurge of pressure to my head.. followed by this burning sensation at the back of my neck.. my heart was pounding so hard and my hands literally trembled as i typed in my username and password.. haha.. terrible lah.. i've never felt such sense of extreme "kelam kabut-ness" before in my life man.. heez. seram.

so... did i manage to upload my assignment before the folder closes?

YEAP!! with 13 secs to spare.. *Phheeww* Alhamdulillah.. sujud syukur jap lagi.

and the final weightage of this assignment? 6 marks.

all THAT for 6 marks eh. hey it's the little things in life that matters. =)

ok you've probably just wasted about 1.5 minutes of your life reading this crap. haha..

oh well.. i'm off to school now. adios people.

~ i think im losing my sanity. hmm.. ~

I'm Not Missing You

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Dont know what I was missing or why I aint listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that its over
What else could it be..

I made a promise never to settle
Why didnt I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around..

[chorus]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I dont even feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face
Oh will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus x 2]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I dont even feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

No I cant be with you
Cause Im scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I cant keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Loves good when its right
And when its left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

[Chorus]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
(knockin at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
(its the best day of my life)
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you (oh baby)
Im not missing you..

cos Im so over you.

it hurts reading his blog.. seeing her name written all over and how he keeps praising her time and time again.. argh whatever. am i jealous? yeah probably.. cos i still have feelings for him.. but don't worry, im getting stronger with each passing day.. and i swear i'm gonna get over it one day. i mean, get over him.

haiz.. it's VERY tough to go tru this shit right now. one part of me is telling me to stay, while the other says walk away. at one point in time i'm thinking about all the wonderful and blissful times we had.. and suddenly im thinking about all the hurtful things he's done.. i spent the whole night thinking..and crying..wondering what would happen if i do accept him back.. YES i do want him.. but i simply could not accept HER existence in his life. he wants me to change this mindset of mine. to trust that they're "just friends". and he still wants me to be like her.. act her way and think her way. haiz.

doesnt he know that i too have my own personality?? good or bad, this is ME. how can i smile and pretend that i'm fine with him contacting her? how long can i keep pretending and endure all the heartache? while he's happily contacting her, im suffering in silence.

i did talk to him last night.. and we've agreed to be "just friends". hah. whatever that means.

she will forever exist in your life and i know you can NEVER let her go. since it's so HARD for you to sacrifice your relationship with her for me, i will take the initiative to leave. so you can contact her all you want and no one's there to stop you. saya pun tak akan sakit hati.


~ my theory is simple: if she's in, i'm out. sorry you can't have both. please don't complicate things. ~


ok ok.. ENOUGH OF THIS RELATIONSHIP DRAMA MAMA crap.

school's been great anyway.. im thankful i don't have to sit for any mid-term test this semester.. but the number of assignments, projects and essays is enough to make me go crazy.. haha.. but i love the stress.. it keeps me awake and takes my mind off you noe what.

now about silat.. fuhh!! i love the trainings so far.. olahraga training in NUS and seni training in STA.. i might be performing at the official opening ceremony of our new gelanggang at Bukit Batok CC on 04 Nov.. woohoo..can't wait!! now that i'm officially single, i think im gonna commit myself fully to school and silat.. no more going out and wasting my time on unnecessary stuff.. gonna live and enjoy my life to the fullest! hmm.. relationship wise, i think im putting that on hold for now.. i'm not gonna cry and be depressed and feel sorry for myself like the previous time. oh NO WAY man.. hahaha..

till then. adios. =)

why do you still want me to be like her? or is it you want me to be much much more? can't you see, i can only be ME. would you be happier if i'd pretend to be someone im not? it's like... all this while, you see right through ME.. and see HER.

you know she doesn't want you.. yet you'd kill yourself to make her happy.. cant you see im dying? cant you see im holding on and im slowly slipping away? cant you see soon i'll be gone and i'll try to forget you to prove that im strong?

was i there just to provide the companionship that you need? you say you love me, but you want me to be like her or even better. so if i can't reach her "standard", you will never be pleased with me, am i right?

i want you to keep me from falling.. i want you to help me hold on.. but you wont. why? why cant you just give up your fears and hold me in your arms? why cant you give her up and love me for who i am?

she doesnt want you. so you want me to be like her. then what is to become of ME? should i just disappear?

malam ini.. airmata mengalir sekali lagi.. entah kenapa. setiap kali aku teringat pada kata-kata itu.. aku terus lemah.. hampa.. tewas.. gagal untuk menjadi yang terbaik buatnya.. maafkan aku.

kita bertemu buat seketika tadi.. ku renung wajahnya sambil cuba mengukir senyuman manis untuknya.. tak kusangka, ia amat payah kali ini. dia pegang tanganku.. ku sambut dengan mengenggam erat tangannya.. hati kecil ku berbisik.. "jangan pergi sayang.. aku masih perlukanmu disisi.. terimalah aku seadanya.. kerana aku masih amat mencintaimu.." namun, sebaik saja aku mula menikmati saat-saat terindah ini, kedengaran suara kecil di sebalik fikiranku.. "ingat diana, kau bukan yang terbaik buatnya.. kau tidak akan dapat berikan kebahagiaan sepertimana yang pernah dia alami dahulu.. kau tidak seperti s... lepaskan genggaman itu. ke mana pergi harga dirimu diana.." dengan sekelip mata dadaku bagai ditusuk panah berbisa.. haiz.. sungguh pedih.

apa yang harus kulakukan ya tuhan? aku tidak mahu terus berpura-pura bahagia. aku tidak mahu terus berputus asa. kerana hingga kini, sungguh nyata bahawa dia masih inginkan aku menjadi seperti dia. insan yang lebih mulia dari diriku seadanya. bukan aku tidak mahu mencuba.. tetapi, aku juga berpegang teguh pada prinsip sendiri. aku benar-benar tidak suka ditandingi dengan si dia. aku TIDAK mahu dan TIDAK akan menjadi seperti dia. kerana nilai keistimewaan seseorang itu adalah ekslusif, unik dan tidak bertindih pada sesiapa. ya allah.. bekukanlah hatiku.. aku tidak mahu merasa lagi. bagaikan anak patung bernafas.. tiada hati.

maaf rizal.. aku akan hentikan segala desakan ini.. izinkan aku berundur diri.. telah kukatakan pada hari kelmarin.. jangan berharap seperti itu rizal.. aku tidak mampu berikan semua yang kau mahu. aku manusia biasa. yang punya nilai tersendiri.


Bukan Diriku

setelah kupahami
ku bukan yang terbaik
yang ada di hatimu

tak dapat kusangsikan
ternyata dirinyalah
yang mengerti kamu
bukanlah diriku

kini maafkanlah aku
bila ku menjadi bisu
kepada dirimu

bukan santunku terbungkam
hanya hatiku berbatas
tuk mengerti kamu
maafkanlah aku

walau kumasih mencintaimu
kuharus meninggalkanmu
kuharus melupakanmu
meski hatiku menyayangimu
nurani membutuhkanmu
kuharus merelakanmu

dan hanyalah dirimu
yang mampu memahamiku
yang dapat mengerti aku

ternyata dirinyalah
yang sanggup menyanjungmu
yang lama menyentuhmu
bukanlah diriku..

Aku.... Dia dan Kamu.

Apa ertinya sebuah cinta yang suci.. andainya di sebalik tabir cintamu, kau merahsiakan rintihan hati yang pilu.. menyiksakan jiwamu.

Telah kucuba untuk berubah sikap mengikut kemahuan mu.. namun, perubahan yang telah ku pamerkan selama ini, tidak akan pernah cukup buat dirimu.. aku sedar.. aku tidak setaraf dengan apa yang kau inginkan.. aku tidak semulia dia.

Maafkan aku sayang.. kerana terpaksa membuat keputusan ini.. izinkan aku berundur diri.. demi kasih dan sayangku untuk melihat kau benar-benar bahagia suatu hari nanti..

Walau amat sukar bagiku untuk melepaskanmu... kau harus mengerti sayang, aku juga punyai harga diri.

Pergilah sayang.. pergi jauh dari diriku..

Aku kan tetap disini.. tersenyum melihat kau bahagia disamping insan yang kau nantikan selama ini.



Dia yang masih bertakhta dihati dan fikiranmu.
Pegang erat tangannya dan lepaskanlah aku dari dakapanmu.

someone jus called.. haahah.. i took a snapshot of my face rite after the conversation..


totally fucked up..


i should've never called back. a lesson learnt. thanks. =)

tell me, how can you go on with someone knowing that all this while, he's still trying to win another woman's heart?

haiz. i'm so stressed up rite now.. deadlines, deadlines and more deadlines.. 3 freaking assignments, pop quizzes, tutorials, lab reports.. and not forgetting my readings..

argh! i need someone to talk to.. where's my bestfren now when i need him the most..

oh i forgot, i'd given up our friendship just for HIM - who is now my EX.

haiz. 6 years of friendship down the drain.

how stupid can you get diana.

~ if only i could turn back time. if only i had saved what i still had. ~

was feeling kinda shitty today.. then i saw something that brought a smile to my face..

here it is..


Seligi Tunggal Angkatan.
PSK 2006 Overall Champion.


i love my perguruan. i love my guru. i love my instructors. i love my silat peeps. i love STA! woohoo!

ok ok.. going for training now.. take care everyone! ;)

you gave me your new blog url just so you can add salt to my wound?

yes i know you can't live without her. you cannot let her go. she's the best. you wanna have kids with her. fulfill you mom wishes and watever. i'm not as good as her. yeah i KNOW. i've heard enough.

ENOUGH lah rizal. please.

Di depanmu aku, dijagamu dia. Di matamu aku, di hatimu dia.

he jus confessed that he still has feelings for her and he still cannot forget her. and now that im no longer with him, he said that there is a possibility he'll go back to her. wow. the truth is FINALLY out alhamdulillah.. after all this while, he still cannot get over her.. gosh..how sweet.. =) well i do hope that if one day he wants to patch things back with her, she'll give him another chance and accepts him back.. insyaallah.. Amin.

haiz.. baru sekarang aku sedar.. bahawa selama ini, aku bagaikan sebuah penghalang di antara dia dan gadis idamannya yang sebenar. it turns out that im just a "rebound".. if u noe what i mean. don't worry peeps.. im OK. =)

~ Terbanglah sebebas di alam ukir kasihmu.. Aku ada di mana jua untuk melihat kau terus bahagia.. ~

Semalaman aku berfikir.. mengimbas kembali apa yang telah dia lafazkan kepadaku. Aku cuba menenangkan fikiran dan menganalisasi situasi semalam dengan fikiran yang lebih terbuka. Hampir dua jam fikiranku berkecamuk.. Namun, aku masih belum dapat huraian yang aku inginkan.

Aku tidak menafikan kenyataan bahawa dalam setiap hubungan baru yang dijalin, acapkali kita tergelincir membuat perbandingan pasangan baru itu dengan pasangan kita yang lama. Pertikaian dalam pelbagai macam perkara.. sama ada dari segi wajah, sifat, keserasian dan sebagainya.

Namun adakah wajar jika kehadiran insan baru ini disamakan dengan kemesraan bersama insan yang terdahulu?

Mungkin ada yang berpendapat memang lumrah manusia untuk menghakimi dan banding-membandingkan semua perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup kita. Namun aku pasti jika kita dimangsakan atas timbang bandingan itu, sudah tentu rasanya sungguh menyakitkan. Kerana pada hakikatnya, manusia tidak gemar sekali jika ditanding atau ditara dengan orang lain.

Nilai keistimewaan seseorang itu (termasuk diri kita sendiri) adalah ekslusif dan tidak bertindih.

Setiap lembaran baru yang diambil harus dilicinkan dengan pelincir yang baru juga. Setiap tindakan yang dibalas berinteraksi dengan orang baru harus disesuaikan dengan tindak balas matang dan tidak prejudis. Aku sedar, ingatan orang lama pasti ada ketika kita bersama orang baru, namun tidak wajar sama sekali jika dibuat perbandingan. Kerana segala perbandingan yang dibuat jauh dari kewajaran etika, malah ia tidak adil. Bukan penghakiman pasangan kita yang lepas, tetapi terhadap insan yang sedang kita cintai sekarang ini.

Persamaan dan perbezaan kita pasti jelas timbul dan tidak sekata. Bukankah itu juga yang membezakan kita dengan manusia lain?

Cubalah fikir. Wajar atau tidak perbandingan ini? Jika wajar, adakah ia saksama?


Terima kasih bantal.. atas kesudianmu menemani diri ini. :)

Some days I hate everything.

I hate everything.

Everyone and everything.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

Satu malam, bualmu kembali bertandang. Buat aku ketawa, buat ubat segala luka.

Aku rindukan segalanya tentang kita. Tiada siapa yang bisa tiupkan lapang ke dadaku seperti dirimu. Ingin sekali ku katakan.. aku rindu. Namun lidahku kelu. Fikiranku buntu.

Aku tahu kau pasti sedar.. Aku kini bagai anak kecil rindukan ibu dan kerinduan itu menuntut 1001 macam pedih di jiwa. Adakala dapatku tepis hadirnya. Adakala.. seperti inilah akhirnya. Terlontar dalam bongkah gundah yang tiada hujungnya. Tiada lena. Tiada rasa. Selagi hati tidak kembali, selagi denyutnya tiada dalam diri, beginilah aku. Menanti dalam harap yang tak sudah.


~ Maafkan aku kerana gagal menjadi gagah untuk kali ini.. ~

Mungkin hanya Tuhan
Yang tahu segalanya
Apa yang ku inginkan
Di saat-saat ini..

Kau takkan percaya
Kau selalu di hati
Haruskah ku menangis
Untuk mengatakan yang sesungguhnya..

Kaulah segalanya untukku
Kaulah curahan hati ini
Tak mungkinku melupakan mu
Tiada lagi yang ku harap
Hanya kau seorang..

Happy 20th Birthday Nur Hidayah Mohsin!!!!



Semoga panjang umur, murah rezeki dan berbahagia selalau dengan si *ehem*.. hehhe..

Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say, from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to stay

And after all that you've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me I can't let go

Couldn't stand to be kept away
Not for a day, from your body
(Baby, I can't live without you, not even a day)
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away from the one that I love

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really wanna tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go

After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me I can't let go
I can't let go..

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between holding a hand

and chaining a soul

And you learn

That love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

'Cause tomorrow's ground's too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down

In mid-flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns, if you get too much of it

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone

To bring you flowers,

And you learn that you really can endure

You really are strong

You really do have worth

And you learn

And you learn

With every goodbye, you learn.




*a meaningful poem taken from a website.. but i don't remember the URL..sorry*

Happy b'day to Me, my bro Muhd Nurhakkim, Meiting, Eqyn and I'sya "Silver"

ok done. my first entry in my new blog. haha.. =)