Seandainya dapat dititipkan kesemua perasaan yang tertanam dalam jiwa dan yang terlintas dalam minda, pasti enak kan. tidaklah susah-susah begini untuk menekan fikiran mengingati semula segala yang terfikir tadi. segenap yang terasa selalunya sekali.

Dalam beberapa minggu ini, sebenarnya berlaku banyak peristiwa.. namun aku tidak berupaya untuk meluahkan kata-kata hati seperti selalu. bukan aku ingin menjauhkan diri.. bukan pula diri ini melupakan semua..tidak sama sekali.

Mungkin pada suatu hari aku dapat menitipkan ingatan kembali untuk menulis kisah-kisahnya.. ya, suatu hari nanti.. tapi bukan hari ini.

Number of houses that i possibly have to visit:

Father's side
- Grandma / grandpa hse
- Dad's uncles / aunties(8)
- Dad's siblings (9)
- Dad's couzins (5 or 6)
- My couzins who already own a house (4 or 5)
- Dad's friends (dunno how many)

Mom's side
- Mom's uncles / aunties (6)
- Mom's siblings (7)
- Mom's couzins (5 or 6)
- My couzins who already own a house (3)
- Mom's friends (dunno how many)

Me
- Frens from kindergarten, primary, secondary, polytechnic, nus, nus silat, seligi tunggal angkatan.. (dunno how many)
- Neighbours (7-10)

arrggh!!!!!!!! so many houses to visit.. so LITTLE time.. how i wish i can put all my freaking assignments on hold.. heez..

thank god we managed to cover 7 houses yesterday.. reached home at 1am.. shagged to the max man.. didnt even touch my essay.. oh nooo.. and exam's like only a month away.. haiz stresssssss...

skarang dah nak kluar jalan raya lagi ni.. penat memang penat dok.. tapi biler dapat duit raya, hilang sumer penat. muahahha.. k adios amigos.

Buat kalian yang sering hadir ke sini secara sedar ataupun di luar pengetahuan diri ini, SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI.
Maafkan segala silap dan salah diri ini selama kita saling mengenali. Maafkan juga diri ini sekiranya bahasa atau kata-kata di ruang ini telah menyinggung perasaan kalian. Maafkan segala setiap khilafku seperti mana aku memaafkan segala khilaf dirimu. Semoga kalian berbahagia di samping keluarga dan orang tersayang.

ok back to my assignment now. bleah.

my afternoon adrenaline rush..

i was busy doing some research for my NM2101 essay when i suddenly realized that i've not submitted one of my assignments which was due at 12:00 PM today. i immediately looked at the computer clock and guess what?! the time was 11:58 AM!! wah lau!! that means i have less than 2 MINUTES to:

- Log in to the system
- Navigate through the links and look for the submission folder for "Assignment04".
- Press the BROWSE button.
- Locate my "U057230JAssigmnent04.doc" somewhere in my hard disk.
- Press the UPLOAD button.
- and Wait for the system to successfully upload my assignment.

almost instantly, i felt a sudden upsurge of pressure to my head.. followed by this burning sensation at the back of my neck.. my heart was pounding so hard and my hands literally trembled as i typed in my username and password.. haha.. terrible lah.. i've never felt such sense of extreme "kelam kabut-ness" before in my life man.. heez. seram.

so... did i manage to upload my assignment before the folder closes?

YEAP!! with 13 secs to spare.. *Phheeww* Alhamdulillah.. sujud syukur jap lagi.

and the final weightage of this assignment? 6 marks.

all THAT for 6 marks eh. hey it's the little things in life that matters. =)

ok you've probably just wasted about 1.5 minutes of your life reading this crap. haha..

oh well.. i'm off to school now. adios people.

~ i think im losing my sanity. hmm.. ~

I'm Not Missing You

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Dont know what I was missing or why I aint listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that its over
What else could it be..

I made a promise never to settle
Why didnt I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around..

[chorus]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I dont even feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face
Oh will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

[Chorus x 2]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I dont even feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

No I cant be with you
Cause Im scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I cant keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Loves good when its right
And when its left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

[Chorus]
(But) Im not missing you
Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
Im not missing you..
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do..
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone (I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you..

Im not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
(knockin at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
(its the best day of my life)
I know Im usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
Im not missing
Im not missing you (oh baby)
Im not missing you..

cos Im so over you.

it hurts reading his blog.. seeing her name written all over and how he keeps praising her time and time again.. argh whatever. am i jealous? yeah probably.. cos i still have feelings for him.. but don't worry, im getting stronger with each passing day.. and i swear i'm gonna get over it one day. i mean, get over him.

haiz.. it's VERY tough to go tru this shit right now. one part of me is telling me to stay, while the other says walk away. at one point in time i'm thinking about all the wonderful and blissful times we had.. and suddenly im thinking about all the hurtful things he's done.. i spent the whole night thinking..and crying..wondering what would happen if i do accept him back.. YES i do want him.. but i simply could not accept HER existence in his life. he wants me to change this mindset of mine. to trust that they're "just friends". and he still wants me to be like her.. act her way and think her way. haiz.

doesnt he know that i too have my own personality?? good or bad, this is ME. how can i smile and pretend that i'm fine with him contacting her? how long can i keep pretending and endure all the heartache? while he's happily contacting her, im suffering in silence.

i did talk to him last night.. and we've agreed to be "just friends". hah. whatever that means.

she will forever exist in your life and i know you can NEVER let her go. since it's so HARD for you to sacrifice your relationship with her for me, i will take the initiative to leave. so you can contact her all you want and no one's there to stop you. saya pun tak akan sakit hati.


~ my theory is simple: if she's in, i'm out. sorry you can't have both. please don't complicate things. ~


ok ok.. ENOUGH OF THIS RELATIONSHIP DRAMA MAMA crap.

school's been great anyway.. im thankful i don't have to sit for any mid-term test this semester.. but the number of assignments, projects and essays is enough to make me go crazy.. haha.. but i love the stress.. it keeps me awake and takes my mind off you noe what.

now about silat.. fuhh!! i love the trainings so far.. olahraga training in NUS and seni training in STA.. i might be performing at the official opening ceremony of our new gelanggang at Bukit Batok CC on 04 Nov.. woohoo..can't wait!! now that i'm officially single, i think im gonna commit myself fully to school and silat.. no more going out and wasting my time on unnecessary stuff.. gonna live and enjoy my life to the fullest! hmm.. relationship wise, i think im putting that on hold for now.. i'm not gonna cry and be depressed and feel sorry for myself like the previous time. oh NO WAY man.. hahaha..

till then. adios. =)

why do you still want me to be like her? or is it you want me to be much much more? can't you see, i can only be ME. would you be happier if i'd pretend to be someone im not? it's like... all this while, you see right through ME.. and see HER.

you know she doesn't want you.. yet you'd kill yourself to make her happy.. cant you see im dying? cant you see im holding on and im slowly slipping away? cant you see soon i'll be gone and i'll try to forget you to prove that im strong?

was i there just to provide the companionship that you need? you say you love me, but you want me to be like her or even better. so if i can't reach her "standard", you will never be pleased with me, am i right?

i want you to keep me from falling.. i want you to help me hold on.. but you wont. why? why cant you just give up your fears and hold me in your arms? why cant you give her up and love me for who i am?

she doesnt want you. so you want me to be like her. then what is to become of ME? should i just disappear?

malam ini.. airmata mengalir sekali lagi.. entah kenapa. setiap kali aku teringat pada kata-kata itu.. aku terus lemah.. hampa.. tewas.. gagal untuk menjadi yang terbaik buatnya.. maafkan aku.

kita bertemu buat seketika tadi.. ku renung wajahnya sambil cuba mengukir senyuman manis untuknya.. tak kusangka, ia amat payah kali ini. dia pegang tanganku.. ku sambut dengan mengenggam erat tangannya.. hati kecil ku berbisik.. "jangan pergi sayang.. aku masih perlukanmu disisi.. terimalah aku seadanya.. kerana aku masih amat mencintaimu.." namun, sebaik saja aku mula menikmati saat-saat terindah ini, kedengaran suara kecil di sebalik fikiranku.. "ingat diana, kau bukan yang terbaik buatnya.. kau tidak akan dapat berikan kebahagiaan sepertimana yang pernah dia alami dahulu.. kau tidak seperti s... lepaskan genggaman itu. ke mana pergi harga dirimu diana.." dengan sekelip mata dadaku bagai ditusuk panah berbisa.. haiz.. sungguh pedih.

apa yang harus kulakukan ya tuhan? aku tidak mahu terus berpura-pura bahagia. aku tidak mahu terus berputus asa. kerana hingga kini, sungguh nyata bahawa dia masih inginkan aku menjadi seperti dia. insan yang lebih mulia dari diriku seadanya. bukan aku tidak mahu mencuba.. tetapi, aku juga berpegang teguh pada prinsip sendiri. aku benar-benar tidak suka ditandingi dengan si dia. aku TIDAK mahu dan TIDAK akan menjadi seperti dia. kerana nilai keistimewaan seseorang itu adalah ekslusif, unik dan tidak bertindih pada sesiapa. ya allah.. bekukanlah hatiku.. aku tidak mahu merasa lagi. bagaikan anak patung bernafas.. tiada hati.

maaf rizal.. aku akan hentikan segala desakan ini.. izinkan aku berundur diri.. telah kukatakan pada hari kelmarin.. jangan berharap seperti itu rizal.. aku tidak mampu berikan semua yang kau mahu. aku manusia biasa. yang punya nilai tersendiri.


Bukan Diriku

setelah kupahami
ku bukan yang terbaik
yang ada di hatimu

tak dapat kusangsikan
ternyata dirinyalah
yang mengerti kamu
bukanlah diriku

kini maafkanlah aku
bila ku menjadi bisu
kepada dirimu

bukan santunku terbungkam
hanya hatiku berbatas
tuk mengerti kamu
maafkanlah aku

walau kumasih mencintaimu
kuharus meninggalkanmu
kuharus melupakanmu
meski hatiku menyayangimu
nurani membutuhkanmu
kuharus merelakanmu

dan hanyalah dirimu
yang mampu memahamiku
yang dapat mengerti aku

ternyata dirinyalah
yang sanggup menyanjungmu
yang lama menyentuhmu
bukanlah diriku..

Aku.... Dia dan Kamu.

Apa ertinya sebuah cinta yang suci.. andainya di sebalik tabir cintamu, kau merahsiakan rintihan hati yang pilu.. menyiksakan jiwamu.

Telah kucuba untuk berubah sikap mengikut kemahuan mu.. namun, perubahan yang telah ku pamerkan selama ini, tidak akan pernah cukup buat dirimu.. aku sedar.. aku tidak setaraf dengan apa yang kau inginkan.. aku tidak semulia dia.

Maafkan aku sayang.. kerana terpaksa membuat keputusan ini.. izinkan aku berundur diri.. demi kasih dan sayangku untuk melihat kau benar-benar bahagia suatu hari nanti..

Walau amat sukar bagiku untuk melepaskanmu... kau harus mengerti sayang, aku juga punyai harga diri.

Pergilah sayang.. pergi jauh dari diriku..

Aku kan tetap disini.. tersenyum melihat kau bahagia disamping insan yang kau nantikan selama ini.



Dia yang masih bertakhta dihati dan fikiranmu.
Pegang erat tangannya dan lepaskanlah aku dari dakapanmu.

someone jus called.. haahah.. i took a snapshot of my face rite after the conversation..


totally fucked up..


i should've never called back. a lesson learnt. thanks. =)

tell me, how can you go on with someone knowing that all this while, he's still trying to win another woman's heart?

haiz. i'm so stressed up rite now.. deadlines, deadlines and more deadlines.. 3 freaking assignments, pop quizzes, tutorials, lab reports.. and not forgetting my readings..

argh! i need someone to talk to.. where's my bestfren now when i need him the most..

oh i forgot, i'd given up our friendship just for HIM - who is now my EX.

haiz. 6 years of friendship down the drain.

how stupid can you get diana.

~ if only i could turn back time. if only i had saved what i still had. ~

was feeling kinda shitty today.. then i saw something that brought a smile to my face..

here it is..


Seligi Tunggal Angkatan.
PSK 2006 Overall Champion.


i love my perguruan. i love my guru. i love my instructors. i love my silat peeps. i love STA! woohoo!

ok ok.. going for training now.. take care everyone! ;)

you gave me your new blog url just so you can add salt to my wound?

yes i know you can't live without her. you cannot let her go. she's the best. you wanna have kids with her. fulfill you mom wishes and watever. i'm not as good as her. yeah i KNOW. i've heard enough.

ENOUGH lah rizal. please.

Di depanmu aku, dijagamu dia. Di matamu aku, di hatimu dia.

he jus confessed that he still has feelings for her and he still cannot forget her. and now that im no longer with him, he said that there is a possibility he'll go back to her. wow. the truth is FINALLY out alhamdulillah.. after all this while, he still cannot get over her.. gosh..how sweet.. =) well i do hope that if one day he wants to patch things back with her, she'll give him another chance and accepts him back.. insyaallah.. Amin.

haiz.. baru sekarang aku sedar.. bahawa selama ini, aku bagaikan sebuah penghalang di antara dia dan gadis idamannya yang sebenar. it turns out that im just a "rebound".. if u noe what i mean. don't worry peeps.. im OK. =)

~ Terbanglah sebebas di alam ukir kasihmu.. Aku ada di mana jua untuk melihat kau terus bahagia.. ~